Dear Joshua,

I know you must roll your eyes still because I talk to you everyday. I know I still cry when you told me to laugh. I hope you understand. There will always be that place that aches, that hurts. I have apprehensive about January coming. This month started out with your birthday and then Christmas. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't help but remember last year when the postal workers knew my name and knew where the packages were going. I remember spending Christmas Eve with your mom's family and having such a great time. And the picture we took for you. I remember opening the presents for you that we decided not to send out to you. I remember the best gift I got was to hear your voice. That was one of the last times I ever heard your voice. I still wish that I could hear it one more time. Just to know that you are all right. I know the ornament on the tree with your picture doesn't begin to take your place but I hope you know that you were a part of our holiday this year. I remember how we couldn't wait for the new year to come so that we could be in the "home stretch." A couple of days ago I finally looked through the pictures that were taken at the beginning of the year. The day you flew home, the day we laid you to rest at home. It was like viewing a dream. Part of it for me is still numb. Today I went through a bunch of memorial items and just stared at your picture. Memories flooded my mind. I smiled and yes I teared up. I really wish we had ice here in New Mexico so we could go ice fishing in your honor. I feel so blessed to be able to talk about you, to be able to honor you in my new home. You have a place of honor here, along with your fellow fallen brothers. I know that you are in a better place and that you are looking over all of us. God bless you babe.

love forever, jess

A moment of remembering...

This holiday season is a hard one. A year ago I was sending tons of packages to Afghanistan and I know Michael's family were sending them to him. As January 3rd draws closer and closer I try to remember the wonderful memories I had with Joshua and to honor him and his sacrifice. I still recall the moment when he paused in packing his gear up before his deployment. He got up and looked me in the eyes and said, "Jess, if anything happens to me, I want you to laugh, not cry. And I want a party." I tried not to let him see how this simple sentence affected me. It hit me to the core. I have always been a worrier and he would always tell me to just let it go. Life comes and goes and we just have to go with it. I never understood this concept. Everything to me is so important the minute it is happening but I am beginning to realize that Josh was right. Some things just are not worth the worry or trouble. I have laughed and I have cried. And he got his party. I have laughed through my tears and I have cried through my laughter.

This year hasn't been easy. I know a lot of things have changed and it may seem that I have moved on. In some respects yes I have. But there is that silent ache, that hurt that remains inside. There is that place that cries every day still. Whether the tears fall on my cheeks or on my heart I still cry every day. I have found that it is better for me to accept my grief instead of locking it away. I am healing better I feel if I talk about Joshua, if I continue to recognize his presence in my life than to pretend nothing happened. He made me a better person and for that I will always be grateful. He taught me to open up; to look at life differently. Even though he is not with us here he still continues to teach me.

So this Christmas and with the fast approaching New Year I am going to honor Josh by thinking of those wonderful moments we had. By looking for those little things (and big things) in life that mean so much. I have learned that life can be short and I don't want to miss anything. Kadence is now at an age where she loves to open gifts. I am looking forward to Christmas morning when she will tear that wrapping paper off and exclaim over her gifts. And I know for us there, Michael, Joshua and I it will bring a smile to our faces. And a joy to our hearts. Kadence is the shining light in my life. She reminds me that life is still very important, that there is more to come and I will make sure that she has the opportunity to blossom and to grow. To have experiences. Josh wanted this for her and it is something that Michael and I will make happen.

I have had a wide range of emotions this year, I have been to the lowest depths and I have been so very happy. But this all keeps me in check. I lost one of the most important people in my life. I had to say good-bye much to early. We will be telling Kadence stories of her father and telling her what a true hero he was. She will always grow up with another father. A man that has been so wonderful to us. A man that wants to continue to honor the sacrifice of Joshua and to keep his memory alive in our home. A man that understands that honor and respect. One that was willing to look past a widow's status and to see a someone worth loving. To embrace a small child who lost her father and to love her unconditionally. There are many families around our great nation who are in this same situation. I never thought it would happen to me. I am so blessed that God didn't forget us. That He didn't just take away. That He remembered Kadence and I and wanted to show us His love. I know that Joshua had a greater calling on the other side, it is hard to understand but I know that God needed His best. And I know that God brought Michael to us or us to him. I may be a Malarsie now but I will always be a Lengstorf too.

I know this was long but I needed to write it. I think about Josh every single day and I watch as Michael adjusts to every day life of being completely blind. So please this Christmas take special care to tell those you love that you do love them. Cherish them. There are over 500 families this year who lost a military member to war that will not be spending this holiday season with their loved one. Please keep them in your prayers.

They are asking on December 24, 2010 at 2100 (no matter where you are) if you could go outside and light a candle for our military and for those who gave that ultimate sacrifice.

I hope that you all have a lovely holiday season and that you create wonderful memories.

love, jess

Hello...Goodbye

I have had a lot of fun writing on this blog but since I am going to be a Malarsie soon I have created a new blog for the next chapter of my life. Occasionally I may still write on here but if you want updates I will now be writing on http://malarsiemasterpiece.blogspot.com
I hope you have enjoyed what I written on the Lengstorf Laire. I know it holds a special place in my heart.

love, jess

Guess What?!

So Kadence and I are thoroughly enjoying New Mexico. The weather is great and it is such a great new adventure for us. She has lots of kids to play with and backyard toys to play on.

Last Wednesday Michael and Roxann returned home from California to a fanfare of excitement. At the airport there was a bagpiper, the Patriot Guard, the Blue Star Mother's, many family and friends, and others. Michael's sisters and dad were able to go and meet him and his mom at the gate when their flight arrived. When they came out the kids came out to greet grandma and Uncle Michael. It was all really cool.

I went up to give Michael a big hug and he gave me a little and then pulled away and immediately went down to on one knee. I couldn't believe it! He asked me to marry him and I said yes!!! I wasn't expecting it. I told him nothing too public. lol. I am so happy and excited!!!



There was such a great reception here in Bosque Farms when the motorcade from the airport drove through town. Lots of people came out to line the streets and welcome Michael home. It was great.It is wonderful to have them both home and to have all the family together. The sisters and their families have been stopping by to see Michael and people have been so nice to bring dinners and help out.



Life is crazy, as usual for me. We are just busy getting everything ironed out and trying to find a place. I am loving being down here and I know that it was the right decision. Everyone has been so wonderful and loving. I couldn't have asked anything better. I am so happy and excited for the next part of my journey through life.

Love, jess

An update...

So I haven't been on here for almost a month it looks like. Oops! Since then I have helped my mother move to a different city; she moved to a bigger city with better paying jobs. Kadence and I attended a bull riding event. She is so in love with cattle and horses! She goes crazy and dances with the music and yells.



Kadence and I flew to California again to see Michael and Roxann and this time his dad, Jim, and my dad were there too. We had a great weekend! The sad thing was I forgot my camera so I don't have any pics to put. Hint hint Roxann and dad. :)

The next weekend I flew back down to attend the Eagles concert with Michael, Jim and Roxann. It was great! The concert of course was great and it was fun to go on a double date. We went to a little restaurant right before the concert and they had only just opened 3 days before so they were still trying to iron out all the kinks. Michael had to wait forever for his food to even show up. The rest of us were done and he just had to sit there for a while. Luckily the evening did get better.




The next day Michael flew back to Oregon with me to attend the Oregon Ducks football Spring Training Game. It was great! They dedicated it to all the troops: current, past, wounded, and fallen. We all wore our Team Link shirts in honor of Joshua.






On Sunday the 2nd my mom, Michael, Kadence, and I all headed out for the drive to New Mexico. Earlier that week I had movers come and pick up all my belongings and then we just had to tow my Mini with my Dodge. We dropped Michael off in Palo Alto that night and then continued on our journey. We stopped in Needles, CA (which is right on the border of CA and AZ) and man was it hot! It was over 92 there. Whew! We made it into Albuquerque the night of the 4th. I am staying with Michael's sister, Lisa, and her husband and daughter until I figure out what I am going to do next. The trip went really well and mom flew back to Oregon yesterday morning. We all love it here and I am so glad that we are finally here! Kadence has made a lot of new friends and Jayce loves the attention and the grassy backyard.





We went to the zoo a couple days ago with Michael's sisters, their children, and my mom. What a cool zoo! We had a splendid time.




I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend!

love, jess

Just a random thought to share...

I love springtime. It is so full of new life, new hope, and blooms. Blooms that will turn into beautiful flowers and blooms that hold so much promise. I hope I am a bloom. I know that one blossom went away but I feel it is time for me to bloom again. I feel ready to bloom again. And I feel that I have been given another springtime to flourish and share with the world. I know that every flower goes through something hard whether it is rain, harsh winds or scorching heat but I think that it only makes the bloom stronger. Like in the Disney movie, Mulan, "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." I hope I can be that flower. I hope that I can still help others out and be able to share what I have to those around me.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to face. I couldn't have done it without the prayers, thoughts, comfort, listening ears, shoulders to cry on etc. I feel so loved and truly blessed. I know that Josh thanks you too. He wanted his girls looked after and you all have done that. I am so thankful to those who are helping me with the next chapter of my life. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for them and all they have been doing. I am sad to see this chapter of my life come to a close. I will always remember and love Josh but I can feel him pushing me onward. He wants me to be happy. And I am. I still have my moments; I always will. He has given me such a wonderful new blessing in my life which in turn has given me so much more also. He gave me a beautiful daughter that reminds me every day how lucky and blessed I am. I know that we all have a purpose in this life. Joshua fulfilled his and went onto his next greater purpose. I still have more to fulfill down here on Earth.

I hope you all have great and safe weekends.

love, jess

Spring time...

So we went out into the sunshine for a bit today. Just thought I would share a few photos from our venture out...












Hope you all had an enjoyable Monday!

love, jess

Pics from this last weekend...

Michael was learning to cross at a 4-way stop. This one was so busy! His instructor said it had never been that busy. We waited for like 10 minutes before he could go across.



Here we are dyeing eggs. It was a lot of fun!



Roxann cooking us dinner!



Here is Kadence with a few of her gifts from Easter. A few people gave her stuff; the theme was apparently Disney Princess even though I hadn't planned it that way. She had tried to wash her own hair, that is why it is all wet. :) Gotta love it.

A quick update...

I spent this last weekend in Cali with Michael and Roxann. The good weather that I had been lucky to have down there ended. It rained pretty good one day and felt like Oregon. It was wonderful to watch General Conference; the talks were great and just what I needed. It was a little bittersweet not being with Kadence on Easter but I don't really think she knew what was going on. She was a bit upset with me though because my mom would ask her if she wanted to talk to me and she would shake her head. She would talk to Michael though. And whenever she heard his voice she would smile. I see how it is. :)

Saturday we cooked a big dinner and had a lot of fun doing it! Michael (with a little help from Roxann) made asparagus wraps and then we all pitched in with chicken fried steak, loaded mashed potatoes and flaky biscuits. I made an ice cream pie but we were too full to eat it then. Later we watched the Phantom of the Opera. Such a great flick! Now I have the soundtrack stuck in my head.

Sunday night Roxann made us breakfast burritos, which were great! And Michael and I dyed eggs. It was a blast. We had green (which were the favorite), red/pink and purple/pink eggs. I haven't done that in a really long time so it was fun to find the inner kid again. After supper we watched New Moon. Had to get my vampire fix. :)

I flew back home on Wednesday. I was there a bit longer because Michael had been scheduled to have a surgery on Monday but that was moved so we just hung out and had fun. Michael still had to go to class though. Roxann and I were able to soak up some sunshine and read outside for a while. I loved it. It has been so long since I have been able to just sit and read. Normally I am chasing a toddler around or she is ripping pages out of my book.

It was great to get home and see Kadence and Jayce (my dog). Jayce practically jumped on my lap when I opened the car door. He is a 100 lb. Labrador so it would not have been so great for me. Kadence was squealing when she saw me so I guess I am forgiven. Now I am just back to my crazy life. I have quite a bit to do now since my mom is moving and I have to go with her until I make my final move.

Last night there was a concert type thing at a church where Josh's family lives so we went to that to support the troops. It was also in honor of Joshua and was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I am glad that there are people who do support our troops and realize the sacrifice that they and their families make. During the event Kae saw me crying and reached over, plucked a tissue from the box and started drying my eyes. It was the sweetest thing. She has never done that before but she is so astute. It touched me so deeply and broke my heart a little because I realized that she sees me cry a lot. I was hoping to shield her from my emotions but I think now maybe it is okay. She has such a tender heart and always wants to help.

I hope you all had a good week. And I pray that you all have great weekends. I have a new picture progam so I am currently trying to figure it out to reduce pic sizes so I will get some up when I can!

Love, jess

Some of my favorites...

I have had this in my head today...

I know that my Redeemer lives;
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living Head.

He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above.
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to help in time of need.

He lives triumphant from the grave,
He lives eternally to save,
He lives all glorious in the sky,
He lives exalted there on high.

He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly Friend,
He lives and loves me to the end;
He lives, and while He lives, I’ll sing;
He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath;
He lives, and I shall conquer death:
He lives my mansion to prepare;
He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives, all glory to His Name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same.
Oh, the sweet joy this sentence gives,
I know that my Redeemer lives!

This hymn brings me great comfort.

I forgot to mention...

So I left out an interesting story from my weekend blog. Andy decided that he wanted to see what it was like in Michael's shoes so he went "blind" for a night. I am not joking. Yes he could still see the light coming through and stuff but he kept his eyes shut, put on a pair of shades and borrowed Michael's other cane. He went up and down the halls a bit and then we decided to go out to eat. I was thinking in the back of mind how crazy this was going to be. We decided to go to the Cheescake Factory. I wish I had a picture of the faces on the wait staff when we walked in. I had a guy on each arm (I was feeling pretty special lol) and I could see some panic on people's faces. They gave us a whole corner booth. And let the guys try out the Braille menu. It was a lot of fun and hilarious. We laughed the entire time. Andy had a very educational night. Michael had told him that cheesecake was one of the easier things to eat but he struggled. We had a great time, although I was so nervous! When Andy left he thanked me for not throwing him in front of car. Cheeky man.

My weekend fun...

I went down to Cali to visit this last weekend and had a blast! I was able to stay with Michael's mom, Roxann, at the Fisher House which is a beautiful place for the families to stay.



Roxann, Michael and I went to the Fisherman's Wharf in San Fran and had a lovely time riding the cable car through San Francisco. It was so much fun! We then met up with Michael's friend from Fort Riley and his friend for lunch on the wharf and we wandered around and visited some shops. We went and watched the Sea Lion's sun bathe for a bit.






That night Michael, Andy (Michael's friend) and I went to a comedy club. It was hilarious if a bit off color. I had never been to a comedy club so it was great to get out and try something new. And to laugh. It is the best medicine.

On Sunday we went to church, which was great. The weather was so beautiful! And the flowers are coming out and the trees are flowering. I love Spring if you can't tell. :) We met back up with Andy, Michael's friend, and had lunch at this little Mexican restaurant that had the biggest and best Chimichangas I have ever had.

Monday I decided to go to class with Michael to see what it was like and to get a feel for what he is learning to do. We went to his life skills class at 0800 and I learned a little bit about Braille. Enought to know it is incredibly hard! Whew. We went to another class where I watched him do some pottery. It has been so long since I have done pottery that it was new to me. I was able to go with him to his mobility class where we learned the Dynamic Lull. This is when a residential street meets up with a busier road and Michael has to listen for a lull in the traffic in order to be able to cross the residential street safely. It was really interesting and Michael did great. He is so in tune with everything that I feel like I am missing out on half of life because I don't pay attention.



That night we went bowling with the school and it was a ton of fun. I lost miserably. My game was just not on but it was great to watch everyone get in and have fun. I think it is awesome that the school does things like this to spice up the students lives. After that we went to a pizza place and had some great food. I loved the crust. Then we went back to the Fisher House and put on Emperor's New Groove. I love that movie; it is so funny. And it was a fun, relaxing end to the day.

I flew home on Tuesday and couldn't wait to see my little girl. I miss Kadence so much when I am away. I know that it is great for her to see her grandparents and friends but it is hard. Which I know all you mother's out there would agree with! She decided to help my mom with my luggage. Funny girl.



I am so thankful for everything in my life. I have realized that to best honor my late husband's memory I need to live. I need to keep going and to be positive. Joshua was a positive and happy person. He loved life and he loved to live. Laughter, love, friendship, unselfishness were so big in his life. I am grateful and honored to have been his wife. That for 1 year and 11 months we were able to be together and to have a beautiful little girl. I know that the road ahead is going to be tough. I know that I will always miss him and that I will always love him. But I also know that he is up there rooting for me to go on. I know he wants me to be happy. I can still feel him with me and I know that he supports me.

I have learned so much about myself and I hope that I continue too. I have met the most wonderful people through this heartbreak. People that I am proud to call family and close friends. I know that I am not alone. That God will never let me be alone. He has given me people to help me. To be there for me. I know that no matter what happens that life will be okay. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That through the Gospel of Jesus Christ I will see Joshua again. That Kadence will see her daddy again. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for my faith and for the knowledge that it has given me.

I hope that you are all having a great week. May you all be safe and God bless.

love, jess

I am losing my mind...

So last time I mentioned that I was happy to meet Michael, his mom and two of his sisters. I forgot to mention, much to my dismay, that I met Michael's father, Jim, also. I am so sorry! This omission was not intentional. I had a great time with the family and they were so wonderful to Kadence and I. Thank you to the Malarsie family for letting us come and visit!

A wonderful weekend...

So last Thursday Kadence and I flew out to California to meet the Airman, Michael Malarsie, that was injured on Jan. 03. Tiffany, Chloe, and Casie all flew in too and we had a great time! We also met Michael's mother and two of his sisters. They were great and I am so glad to have met them. We went to the wharf a couple of times, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, went to the beach, ate out a lot, and had some great visits. It was so nice to go down there and be with all of them. Tiff, Chloe, Kae and I ended up staying a few days later than everyone else. I still wish we were down there! The weather was so warm and sunny! No rain!!!

I know that Joshua would have liked me to go and I felt him so strong. I know he is with me and for that I am thankful. I am in the middle of some life changing decisions so having that extra comfort is nice. Most of you probably know that I am moving to Colorado Springs next month. I finally found a place thanks to a couple of my friends. :) I am really excited about it. I have some other things going on in my life that are exciting and that I hope work out.

Kae loved Cali and I think she was having withdrawals today. Whoof. She was cranky. I also think she is teething and really tired from the trip. She loved playing big sister to Chloe and I think she would have liked us to take her home. We had to learn to be nice and play softly but she was really good to her. I am so glad that I decided to take her along. I wasn't going to but had the strongest impression that I needed too. She is growing so fast! She will 18 months old tomorrow!!! Where does the time go? I am slightly freaking out here.

Well I think that is about it for right now. I am loving my new car. It is pretty fantastic. :) My brother, Sean, is doing great on his mission. I am so proud of him. He is living the missionary dream down there. He was just put in charge of 4 other missionaries besides his new companion. I think he is a bit overwhelmed but he takes everything in stride and goes for it. I miss him but I know he is where he needs to be and that he is doing a wonderful job. The mission president emailed my mom and told her what a great person and missionary my brother is and how thankful they are to have him out there. Made us feel great that Sean is fully embracing this.

I think I have talked enough. I will sign off for now but I wanted to give you an update. Hope you all have a great weekend!

love, jess

...

Hey baby! I just want you to know Joshua Allen Lengstorf that I love you so much. And I miss you. There are not words to describe how I miss you. I keep going on though. I can feel you with me. I can feel you guiding me and pushing me to keep going. I hope I never lose that. I will go on, I promise babe. Just like I promised last May. I think about you all the time. You will always be in my heart.

So I am going down to San Francisco to meet Lassie. I know it will be emotional but I am excited. I am taking Kae down with me. She is going to be a little terror but I think it will be good to have her there. I am hoping to get some sightseeing in and eat some yummy food. :)

Other than that not much else is going on. I have my new car which I love. Yesterday I could feel you riding shotgun. It kinda freaked me out. And the day I got I knew you were there too. It was our dream to have a Cooper together. So I got it for us. I know you like the car too. lol. I just need to come up with a name for it. I have decided it is a girl car.:) So if you have any ideas please let me know.

Well I better keep getting things done. I still haven't packed at all and I leave in 3 hours. Oops. Thank heavens I was an Army wife! I have the training to just get up and go.

I miss you so much Josh. I really just ache for you babe. I am trying so hard to be strong but it is so tough. I love you with all my heart...

your loving wife, jess

Life goes on...

Well it has been 9 weeks since I found out that my husband was not going to be coming to me. I cannot believe how fast this time has gone. It still seems like yesterday. I can still remember it. The first time I realized that time had not stopped just because my world had came when I saw the I was running out of milk for my daughter. A little thing but it was still a shock to me. So much has happened in these 9 weeks. Time has gone on. Life has gone on. I am finally realizing that Joshua isn't coming home to me. I am fighting it. I don't want to accept it. I still have days where I cannot believe it. I just think he is still over there fighting. I still have days where I am mad. Days where I just want to cry. Days where I ask,"why?" I know that this will go on for a while. Sometimes I wish I could just accept it and move on. I know I am moving on but I there are days where I just want to heal. Where the pain is too much. I just want to feel his arms around me again. I see happy couples and I pray that they know how lucky they are, how blessed they are for the time that has been given to them to be together.
I know I am changing. I can feel myself changing. Adapting. I have to, to keep from going crazy. I have to continue on. Josh would want me to and I want to for Kadence, for him and for me. At times I am scared to change. I want to stay the same Jesse that Josh fell in love with. The same "Jesse" that was with Josh. But I know that what has happened is a totally life changing experience and I have to learn to live differently now. I will become a new "Jesse" if you will. I know that Joshua is with me. I can feel him. I know when he smiles at me and there are times when I feel him so close to me.
At times I am horrified that I am already living my life again. That I am starting to come out of the fog and going out and doing things. Sometimes it doesn't seem right. I know I have to live but there are moments where I think I should be sitting in my house in the dark crying in a corner. No one prepares you to become a widow. I didn't know what to expect. I have received a lot of pamphlets and books. I think I will start reading some of them. I am so thankful for those that have been so supportive and have been there for me. I couldn't have made it through this alone. I like to try to with most things but I knew I couldn't do it myself this time.
Joshua, I miss you. I wish there were words to really say how badly I miss you but there aren't. There is a hole inside of me now. A void that won't be filled. After time I know it will be a dull ache but for now it hurts so bad. I love you so much babe. I will never stop loving you. You are stuck with me remember? :) We are a team. And will be an eternal team one day. Thank you for being with me. For not giving up on me. For loving me despite my faults. Thank you for being my companion and for being willing to tackle life's challenges with me. We did good! And we have a beautiful little girl that will remind everyone of you. She is such a light in my life. I see you in her. I know you are patiently (haha) waiting for me. Save me place up there. I will be coming home to you. Take care Josh...I love you so much

.......

I am missing you babe....I feel so alone. I don't know how I am going to do this without you. I just wish you could wrap your arms around me one last time and tell me it is going to be okay.

I love you so much...Joshua Allen...Always and forever

Hey baby

So I just danced with you to our song. I would have rather held you than your picture but I refuse to stop living. I know you were there watching and laughing at me. :) Probably shaking your head like you used to when I did something out of the ordinary. I could almost here you saying, "Babe, you are so weird." I know Josh. I know I am weird. So were you. It is one of the reasons why we loved each other. Life was never boring with the two of us around each other. Laughter was such a huge part of our life together. I still laugh. I still laugh for you. I know what you would say to things and I have to giggle. I can hear you still. Well hon I am going to go but I am thinking of you always. I love you.

Love always, jesse Larraine aka your wife ;)

So Monday was Josh and I's second anniversary. I wanted to write but it was too hard. I felt his loss so keenly. I can't believe he is gone. That I won't hear his voice or hold his hand in the life again. I just want my husband back. I just want to be able to hold him and tell him it is going to be okay. I want him to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. I will never see that smirk that I love so much. He won't be here to tell me how weird I am.
I know there is a reason why he was taken. I know that he has a greater mission to fulfill now. I know that I have a mission to complete too. For some reason we weren't supposed to do it together on Earth but I know that one day I will be reunited with him. That we can continue on together and be a family. I know he walks beside me now. I haven't seen him or felt his touch on my shoulder but I know he is beside me. I felt it strongly when I visited Fort Carson. He was there. I thought it would be so hard to see the other soldiers but it was like coming home. And I realized that that is what I was yearning for. I need the Army. I am an Army wife. And I always be. Iam a hero's wife. And I will try my whole life to live a life that he would be proud of.And to honor the sacrifice that he gave. He truly believed in what he was doing and I know that he would have rather it had been him then one of his guys. I am so proud of the man that I married. I am proud of the man that is my daughter's father. She will always know of him. She will know what a great and wonderful man he was. And she will know how much he loved her. He fought to protect her and keep her safe.
I don't understand why there are young families torn apart. I don't know why I am one of them. I just know that God has a plan. That He doesn't want to hurt us but that He needs each of us. And when He needs one of His children home, He takes them. There is a purpose to all of this. I know and I have faith. I am so grateful for my belief that Earth isn't the end. There is a hereafter. And that there I will see my Joshua again.
Baby, I am coming. I will take a little more time but I am coming to meet you. I miss you so much. Words cannot describe how much I miss you. How much it hurts. How scared I am. And how much I love you. We were THE team. We had so many great times and I have so many wonderful memories. There are times that things happen and I know exactly what you would say or do. And it makes me smile. Because I can almost hear you. I promise to be strong. I promise to keep going on. I will be there for our little girl. I will give 110% to raising her. I just ask that you stay beside me. To help guide me. I need you still babe. I just feel so alone. But I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. At times I can glimpse it. And I know it is you holding that lantern high wanting and waiting for me to follow you out of this despair that I am in. I will always be here for you Joshua. There are some big decisions up ahead for me, I just pray that I make the right ones.So I know it is a bit late. But Happy Anniversary babe. I felt you while walking in the woods. I felt you when I sat and watched the Umpqua flow by and fall over the rocks. I would visit your grave more but the truth is I feel stronger in other places. Like right beside me. I feel that you don't want me to go and sit and mourn. That by living that is the best way to honor you. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to live. I am going to strike out and pray I do the right things. And I know there will be many bumps and I know I will need to leave this comfort zone but I know I have you. And I have God. I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to throw my arms around you and kiss you again. I miss that you don't come up behind me and put your arms around me and lay your chin on my head. I miss that. I miss the water fights, the chasing each other around. The fact that you would hide under the bed just to scare the living daylights out of me. I miss seeing you with Kadence. And rough housing with Jayce. But I can still see it in my mind. And I pray I never lose that. So to you Joshua, I will be starting a new life now. I will be working towards being with you for eternity. I will raise Kadence and I will make a life for us. Please stay close. I know you will. Take care and be good :)

your loving wife, jess

Why?

How does one go on when you have been dealt the most devastating blow of all?

Well I haven't been on here in a while. I thought maybe I should write something but I just don't know what. My life has been shattered and I don't see me picking up the pieces for a while. I am just having to make a new life out of what is left. As you all know my husband, the love of my life was taken from me on January 3, 2010. I can't tell you how I feel exactly. Words cannot tell the loss I feel. The overwhelming hurt, the anger, the loneliness, the sadness, and pain. I miss him so much. It hurts. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world even exists. I know I need to keep going because that is what Josh would want and we have a beautiful little girl for me to keep getting up every morning for. I am so glad I have her. I am so sad that she will never know her daddy. She will know he was a true Amerian hero. That he died protecting her but it isn't the same. And it makes me so mad! Why are the good ones always taken? I know that God has a plan for them but I am hurting for my fellow sisters who are now widows and for their children who won't know their daddies.
I got the idea to write on here from one of those dear sisters. She is an inspiration to me. I cannot wait to meet her early next month. I am so sad that she has to go through what I am going through but at the same time I am glad that I am not alone.
I just have to keep breathing. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just have to keep pushing myself. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I know eventually there may be but for now there is only darkness. I don't know how I am going to do this. We had so many plans, so many dreams. And now they are all gone. I just miss him so much!!! I just want to ask why but I know that he was needed for a higher purpose but I don't know what that would be. I needed him. I needed him so much; Kadence needed him. His family. My family. Everyone. The soldiers. His friends. I just want to be with him. I wasn't supposed to be widow so soon. I wasn't supposed to have to face my whole life without my love, my companion, my mate. I am so scared to raise Kadence by myself. I don't know what to do. I can't be a father. I know that there are so many family and friends but I am the parent. The one who is now both dad and mom. The one who has to scare the boys away. The one who has to teach her how to change a tire, how to put things together.
She keeps talking to daddy. More now than she ever has. The other day she said good bye to daddy. I just about lost it. It is like she knows. She talks to him all the time and points at his picture. She is the picture of him and has the personality and attitude to match him. Joshua will live on through her.
I just will never touch him, hold him or hug him again. I have no one's hand to hold. No one to tease and no one to keep me in line. I wish I could tell him that he can have all the tattoos and motorcycles he wants. He can play his computer games and his xbox games. I just want him back. No one can ever give me what I really want. No matter how mad or sad I was that man could make me laugh. No one could do it like him. He knew me better than anyone. He was my rock. And my true love. I just feel so lost. So in limbo. I don't even care anymore. But I have to keep on going. For him. For Kadence. And eventually for me.
Joshua, I miss you baby. I love you so much. No one will ever take your place. The love we had was one of a kind. We were a great team. We had everything. I am so proud of you. I just wish I could have told you one last time. I know you knew I loved you and I know that you loved me. I just wish I could have held you one last time. You were everything to me. I know you are safe now and for that I am thankful. I don't want you to worry too much about me. You made me a stronger and better person. I can do this. You made sure of that. Thank you for everything. Thank you for taking that leap with me and for being my husband. I am so honored to be your wife. I am honored that I was married to such a brave and courageous man. I know you would have been the best daddy. Your daughter was already in love with you. Please help me and guide me with her so that she can grow up to be a wonderful woman. Please don't leave me. I need you. So much. I know you are up there probably trying to corrupt my brother :) but I know you are in good company. I know you are surrounded by those who have gone on before you. I know that you and your fellow soldiers are looking down on us and wanting to comfort your young families. Know that we will make it through. For me now it doesn't feel like it but I will be strong. And I will see you again. I know that I will live with you again. We will be together and be a family. I love you so much baby
love you always, your wife