Dear Joshua,

I know you must roll your eyes still because I talk to you everyday. I know I still cry when you told me to laugh. I hope you understand. There will always be that place that aches, that hurts. I have apprehensive about January coming. This month started out with your birthday and then Christmas. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't help but remember last year when the postal workers knew my name and knew where the packages were going. I remember spending Christmas Eve with your mom's family and having such a great time. And the picture we took for you. I remember opening the presents for you that we decided not to send out to you. I remember the best gift I got was to hear your voice. That was one of the last times I ever heard your voice. I still wish that I could hear it one more time. Just to know that you are all right. I know the ornament on the tree with your picture doesn't begin to take your place but I hope you know that you were a part of our holiday this year. I remember how we couldn't wait for the new year to come so that we could be in the "home stretch." A couple of days ago I finally looked through the pictures that were taken at the beginning of the year. The day you flew home, the day we laid you to rest at home. It was like viewing a dream. Part of it for me is still numb. Today I went through a bunch of memorial items and just stared at your picture. Memories flooded my mind. I smiled and yes I teared up. I really wish we had ice here in New Mexico so we could go ice fishing in your honor. I feel so blessed to be able to talk about you, to be able to honor you in my new home. You have a place of honor here, along with your fellow fallen brothers. I know that you are in a better place and that you are looking over all of us. God bless you babe.

love forever, jess

A moment of remembering...

This holiday season is a hard one. A year ago I was sending tons of packages to Afghanistan and I know Michael's family were sending them to him. As January 3rd draws closer and closer I try to remember the wonderful memories I had with Joshua and to honor him and his sacrifice. I still recall the moment when he paused in packing his gear up before his deployment. He got up and looked me in the eyes and said, "Jess, if anything happens to me, I want you to laugh, not cry. And I want a party." I tried not to let him see how this simple sentence affected me. It hit me to the core. I have always been a worrier and he would always tell me to just let it go. Life comes and goes and we just have to go with it. I never understood this concept. Everything to me is so important the minute it is happening but I am beginning to realize that Josh was right. Some things just are not worth the worry or trouble. I have laughed and I have cried. And he got his party. I have laughed through my tears and I have cried through my laughter.

This year hasn't been easy. I know a lot of things have changed and it may seem that I have moved on. In some respects yes I have. But there is that silent ache, that hurt that remains inside. There is that place that cries every day still. Whether the tears fall on my cheeks or on my heart I still cry every day. I have found that it is better for me to accept my grief instead of locking it away. I am healing better I feel if I talk about Joshua, if I continue to recognize his presence in my life than to pretend nothing happened. He made me a better person and for that I will always be grateful. He taught me to open up; to look at life differently. Even though he is not with us here he still continues to teach me.

So this Christmas and with the fast approaching New Year I am going to honor Josh by thinking of those wonderful moments we had. By looking for those little things (and big things) in life that mean so much. I have learned that life can be short and I don't want to miss anything. Kadence is now at an age where she loves to open gifts. I am looking forward to Christmas morning when she will tear that wrapping paper off and exclaim over her gifts. And I know for us there, Michael, Joshua and I it will bring a smile to our faces. And a joy to our hearts. Kadence is the shining light in my life. She reminds me that life is still very important, that there is more to come and I will make sure that she has the opportunity to blossom and to grow. To have experiences. Josh wanted this for her and it is something that Michael and I will make happen.

I have had a wide range of emotions this year, I have been to the lowest depths and I have been so very happy. But this all keeps me in check. I lost one of the most important people in my life. I had to say good-bye much to early. We will be telling Kadence stories of her father and telling her what a true hero he was. She will always grow up with another father. A man that has been so wonderful to us. A man that wants to continue to honor the sacrifice of Joshua and to keep his memory alive in our home. A man that understands that honor and respect. One that was willing to look past a widow's status and to see a someone worth loving. To embrace a small child who lost her father and to love her unconditionally. There are many families around our great nation who are in this same situation. I never thought it would happen to me. I am so blessed that God didn't forget us. That He didn't just take away. That He remembered Kadence and I and wanted to show us His love. I know that Joshua had a greater calling on the other side, it is hard to understand but I know that God needed His best. And I know that God brought Michael to us or us to him. I may be a Malarsie now but I will always be a Lengstorf too.

I know this was long but I needed to write it. I think about Josh every single day and I watch as Michael adjusts to every day life of being completely blind. So please this Christmas take special care to tell those you love that you do love them. Cherish them. There are over 500 families this year who lost a military member to war that will not be spending this holiday season with their loved one. Please keep them in your prayers.

They are asking on December 24, 2010 at 2100 (no matter where you are) if you could go outside and light a candle for our military and for those who gave that ultimate sacrifice.

I hope that you all have a lovely holiday season and that you create wonderful memories.

love, jess

Hello...Goodbye

I have had a lot of fun writing on this blog but since I am going to be a Malarsie soon I have created a new blog for the next chapter of my life. Occasionally I may still write on here but if you want updates I will now be writing on http://malarsiemasterpiece.blogspot.com
I hope you have enjoyed what I written on the Lengstorf Laire. I know it holds a special place in my heart.

love, jess

Guess What?!

So Kadence and I are thoroughly enjoying New Mexico. The weather is great and it is such a great new adventure for us. She has lots of kids to play with and backyard toys to play on.

Last Wednesday Michael and Roxann returned home from California to a fanfare of excitement. At the airport there was a bagpiper, the Patriot Guard, the Blue Star Mother's, many family and friends, and others. Michael's sisters and dad were able to go and meet him and his mom at the gate when their flight arrived. When they came out the kids came out to greet grandma and Uncle Michael. It was all really cool.

I went up to give Michael a big hug and he gave me a little and then pulled away and immediately went down to on one knee. I couldn't believe it! He asked me to marry him and I said yes!!! I wasn't expecting it. I told him nothing too public. lol. I am so happy and excited!!!



There was such a great reception here in Bosque Farms when the motorcade from the airport drove through town. Lots of people came out to line the streets and welcome Michael home. It was great.It is wonderful to have them both home and to have all the family together. The sisters and their families have been stopping by to see Michael and people have been so nice to bring dinners and help out.



Life is crazy, as usual for me. We are just busy getting everything ironed out and trying to find a place. I am loving being down here and I know that it was the right decision. Everyone has been so wonderful and loving. I couldn't have asked anything better. I am so happy and excited for the next part of my journey through life.

Love, jess

An update...

So I haven't been on here for almost a month it looks like. Oops! Since then I have helped my mother move to a different city; she moved to a bigger city with better paying jobs. Kadence and I attended a bull riding event. She is so in love with cattle and horses! She goes crazy and dances with the music and yells.



Kadence and I flew to California again to see Michael and Roxann and this time his dad, Jim, and my dad were there too. We had a great weekend! The sad thing was I forgot my camera so I don't have any pics to put. Hint hint Roxann and dad. :)

The next weekend I flew back down to attend the Eagles concert with Michael, Jim and Roxann. It was great! The concert of course was great and it was fun to go on a double date. We went to a little restaurant right before the concert and they had only just opened 3 days before so they were still trying to iron out all the kinks. Michael had to wait forever for his food to even show up. The rest of us were done and he just had to sit there for a while. Luckily the evening did get better.




The next day Michael flew back to Oregon with me to attend the Oregon Ducks football Spring Training Game. It was great! They dedicated it to all the troops: current, past, wounded, and fallen. We all wore our Team Link shirts in honor of Joshua.






On Sunday the 2nd my mom, Michael, Kadence, and I all headed out for the drive to New Mexico. Earlier that week I had movers come and pick up all my belongings and then we just had to tow my Mini with my Dodge. We dropped Michael off in Palo Alto that night and then continued on our journey. We stopped in Needles, CA (which is right on the border of CA and AZ) and man was it hot! It was over 92 there. Whew! We made it into Albuquerque the night of the 4th. I am staying with Michael's sister, Lisa, and her husband and daughter until I figure out what I am going to do next. The trip went really well and mom flew back to Oregon yesterday morning. We all love it here and I am so glad that we are finally here! Kadence has made a lot of new friends and Jayce loves the attention and the grassy backyard.





We went to the zoo a couple days ago with Michael's sisters, their children, and my mom. What a cool zoo! We had a splendid time.




I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend!

love, jess

Just a random thought to share...

I love springtime. It is so full of new life, new hope, and blooms. Blooms that will turn into beautiful flowers and blooms that hold so much promise. I hope I am a bloom. I know that one blossom went away but I feel it is time for me to bloom again. I feel ready to bloom again. And I feel that I have been given another springtime to flourish and share with the world. I know that every flower goes through something hard whether it is rain, harsh winds or scorching heat but I think that it only makes the bloom stronger. Like in the Disney movie, Mulan, "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." I hope I can be that flower. I hope that I can still help others out and be able to share what I have to those around me.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to face. I couldn't have done it without the prayers, thoughts, comfort, listening ears, shoulders to cry on etc. I feel so loved and truly blessed. I know that Josh thanks you too. He wanted his girls looked after and you all have done that. I am so thankful to those who are helping me with the next chapter of my life. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for them and all they have been doing. I am sad to see this chapter of my life come to a close. I will always remember and love Josh but I can feel him pushing me onward. He wants me to be happy. And I am. I still have my moments; I always will. He has given me such a wonderful new blessing in my life which in turn has given me so much more also. He gave me a beautiful daughter that reminds me every day how lucky and blessed I am. I know that we all have a purpose in this life. Joshua fulfilled his and went onto his next greater purpose. I still have more to fulfill down here on Earth.

I hope you all have great and safe weekends.

love, jess

Spring time...

So we went out into the sunshine for a bit today. Just thought I would share a few photos from our venture out...












Hope you all had an enjoyable Monday!

love, jess