Life goes on...

Well it has been 9 weeks since I found out that my husband was not going to be coming to me. I cannot believe how fast this time has gone. It still seems like yesterday. I can still remember it. The first time I realized that time had not stopped just because my world had came when I saw the I was running out of milk for my daughter. A little thing but it was still a shock to me. So much has happened in these 9 weeks. Time has gone on. Life has gone on. I am finally realizing that Joshua isn't coming home to me. I am fighting it. I don't want to accept it. I still have days where I cannot believe it. I just think he is still over there fighting. I still have days where I am mad. Days where I just want to cry. Days where I ask,"why?" I know that this will go on for a while. Sometimes I wish I could just accept it and move on. I know I am moving on but I there are days where I just want to heal. Where the pain is too much. I just want to feel his arms around me again. I see happy couples and I pray that they know how lucky they are, how blessed they are for the time that has been given to them to be together.
I know I am changing. I can feel myself changing. Adapting. I have to, to keep from going crazy. I have to continue on. Josh would want me to and I want to for Kadence, for him and for me. At times I am scared to change. I want to stay the same Jesse that Josh fell in love with. The same "Jesse" that was with Josh. But I know that what has happened is a totally life changing experience and I have to learn to live differently now. I will become a new "Jesse" if you will. I know that Joshua is with me. I can feel him. I know when he smiles at me and there are times when I feel him so close to me.
At times I am horrified that I am already living my life again. That I am starting to come out of the fog and going out and doing things. Sometimes it doesn't seem right. I know I have to live but there are moments where I think I should be sitting in my house in the dark crying in a corner. No one prepares you to become a widow. I didn't know what to expect. I have received a lot of pamphlets and books. I think I will start reading some of them. I am so thankful for those that have been so supportive and have been there for me. I couldn't have made it through this alone. I like to try to with most things but I knew I couldn't do it myself this time.
Joshua, I miss you. I wish there were words to really say how badly I miss you but there aren't. There is a hole inside of me now. A void that won't be filled. After time I know it will be a dull ache but for now it hurts so bad. I love you so much babe. I will never stop loving you. You are stuck with me remember? :) We are a team. And will be an eternal team one day. Thank you for being with me. For not giving up on me. For loving me despite my faults. Thank you for being my companion and for being willing to tackle life's challenges with me. We did good! And we have a beautiful little girl that will remind everyone of you. She is such a light in my life. I see you in her. I know you are patiently (haha) waiting for me. Save me place up there. I will be coming home to you. Take care Josh...I love you so much