I forgot to mention...

So I left out an interesting story from my weekend blog. Andy decided that he wanted to see what it was like in Michael's shoes so he went "blind" for a night. I am not joking. Yes he could still see the light coming through and stuff but he kept his eyes shut, put on a pair of shades and borrowed Michael's other cane. He went up and down the halls a bit and then we decided to go out to eat. I was thinking in the back of mind how crazy this was going to be. We decided to go to the Cheescake Factory. I wish I had a picture of the faces on the wait staff when we walked in. I had a guy on each arm (I was feeling pretty special lol) and I could see some panic on people's faces. They gave us a whole corner booth. And let the guys try out the Braille menu. It was a lot of fun and hilarious. We laughed the entire time. Andy had a very educational night. Michael had told him that cheesecake was one of the easier things to eat but he struggled. We had a great time, although I was so nervous! When Andy left he thanked me for not throwing him in front of car. Cheeky man.

My weekend fun...

I went down to Cali to visit this last weekend and had a blast! I was able to stay with Michael's mom, Roxann, at the Fisher House which is a beautiful place for the families to stay.



Roxann, Michael and I went to the Fisherman's Wharf in San Fran and had a lovely time riding the cable car through San Francisco. It was so much fun! We then met up with Michael's friend from Fort Riley and his friend for lunch on the wharf and we wandered around and visited some shops. We went and watched the Sea Lion's sun bathe for a bit.






That night Michael, Andy (Michael's friend) and I went to a comedy club. It was hilarious if a bit off color. I had never been to a comedy club so it was great to get out and try something new. And to laugh. It is the best medicine.

On Sunday we went to church, which was great. The weather was so beautiful! And the flowers are coming out and the trees are flowering. I love Spring if you can't tell. :) We met back up with Andy, Michael's friend, and had lunch at this little Mexican restaurant that had the biggest and best Chimichangas I have ever had.

Monday I decided to go to class with Michael to see what it was like and to get a feel for what he is learning to do. We went to his life skills class at 0800 and I learned a little bit about Braille. Enought to know it is incredibly hard! Whew. We went to another class where I watched him do some pottery. It has been so long since I have done pottery that it was new to me. I was able to go with him to his mobility class where we learned the Dynamic Lull. This is when a residential street meets up with a busier road and Michael has to listen for a lull in the traffic in order to be able to cross the residential street safely. It was really interesting and Michael did great. He is so in tune with everything that I feel like I am missing out on half of life because I don't pay attention.



That night we went bowling with the school and it was a ton of fun. I lost miserably. My game was just not on but it was great to watch everyone get in and have fun. I think it is awesome that the school does things like this to spice up the students lives. After that we went to a pizza place and had some great food. I loved the crust. Then we went back to the Fisher House and put on Emperor's New Groove. I love that movie; it is so funny. And it was a fun, relaxing end to the day.

I flew home on Tuesday and couldn't wait to see my little girl. I miss Kadence so much when I am away. I know that it is great for her to see her grandparents and friends but it is hard. Which I know all you mother's out there would agree with! She decided to help my mom with my luggage. Funny girl.



I am so thankful for everything in my life. I have realized that to best honor my late husband's memory I need to live. I need to keep going and to be positive. Joshua was a positive and happy person. He loved life and he loved to live. Laughter, love, friendship, unselfishness were so big in his life. I am grateful and honored to have been his wife. That for 1 year and 11 months we were able to be together and to have a beautiful little girl. I know that the road ahead is going to be tough. I know that I will always miss him and that I will always love him. But I also know that he is up there rooting for me to go on. I know he wants me to be happy. I can still feel him with me and I know that he supports me.

I have learned so much about myself and I hope that I continue too. I have met the most wonderful people through this heartbreak. People that I am proud to call family and close friends. I know that I am not alone. That God will never let me be alone. He has given me people to help me. To be there for me. I know that no matter what happens that life will be okay. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That through the Gospel of Jesus Christ I will see Joshua again. That Kadence will see her daddy again. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for my faith and for the knowledge that it has given me.

I hope that you are all having a great week. May you all be safe and God bless.

love, jess

I am losing my mind...

So last time I mentioned that I was happy to meet Michael, his mom and two of his sisters. I forgot to mention, much to my dismay, that I met Michael's father, Jim, also. I am so sorry! This omission was not intentional. I had a great time with the family and they were so wonderful to Kadence and I. Thank you to the Malarsie family for letting us come and visit!

A wonderful weekend...

So last Thursday Kadence and I flew out to California to meet the Airman, Michael Malarsie, that was injured on Jan. 03. Tiffany, Chloe, and Casie all flew in too and we had a great time! We also met Michael's mother and two of his sisters. They were great and I am so glad to have met them. We went to the wharf a couple of times, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, went to the beach, ate out a lot, and had some great visits. It was so nice to go down there and be with all of them. Tiff, Chloe, Kae and I ended up staying a few days later than everyone else. I still wish we were down there! The weather was so warm and sunny! No rain!!!

I know that Joshua would have liked me to go and I felt him so strong. I know he is with me and for that I am thankful. I am in the middle of some life changing decisions so having that extra comfort is nice. Most of you probably know that I am moving to Colorado Springs next month. I finally found a place thanks to a couple of my friends. :) I am really excited about it. I have some other things going on in my life that are exciting and that I hope work out.

Kae loved Cali and I think she was having withdrawals today. Whoof. She was cranky. I also think she is teething and really tired from the trip. She loved playing big sister to Chloe and I think she would have liked us to take her home. We had to learn to be nice and play softly but she was really good to her. I am so glad that I decided to take her along. I wasn't going to but had the strongest impression that I needed too. She is growing so fast! She will 18 months old tomorrow!!! Where does the time go? I am slightly freaking out here.

Well I think that is about it for right now. I am loving my new car. It is pretty fantastic. :) My brother, Sean, is doing great on his mission. I am so proud of him. He is living the missionary dream down there. He was just put in charge of 4 other missionaries besides his new companion. I think he is a bit overwhelmed but he takes everything in stride and goes for it. I miss him but I know he is where he needs to be and that he is doing a wonderful job. The mission president emailed my mom and told her what a great person and missionary my brother is and how thankful they are to have him out there. Made us feel great that Sean is fully embracing this.

I think I have talked enough. I will sign off for now but I wanted to give you an update. Hope you all have a great weekend!

love, jess

...

Hey baby! I just want you to know Joshua Allen Lengstorf that I love you so much. And I miss you. There are not words to describe how I miss you. I keep going on though. I can feel you with me. I can feel you guiding me and pushing me to keep going. I hope I never lose that. I will go on, I promise babe. Just like I promised last May. I think about you all the time. You will always be in my heart.

So I am going down to San Francisco to meet Lassie. I know it will be emotional but I am excited. I am taking Kae down with me. She is going to be a little terror but I think it will be good to have her there. I am hoping to get some sightseeing in and eat some yummy food. :)

Other than that not much else is going on. I have my new car which I love. Yesterday I could feel you riding shotgun. It kinda freaked me out. And the day I got I knew you were there too. It was our dream to have a Cooper together. So I got it for us. I know you like the car too. lol. I just need to come up with a name for it. I have decided it is a girl car.:) So if you have any ideas please let me know.

Well I better keep getting things done. I still haven't packed at all and I leave in 3 hours. Oops. Thank heavens I was an Army wife! I have the training to just get up and go.

I miss you so much Josh. I really just ache for you babe. I am trying so hard to be strong but it is so tough. I love you with all my heart...

your loving wife, jess

Life goes on...

Well it has been 9 weeks since I found out that my husband was not going to be coming to me. I cannot believe how fast this time has gone. It still seems like yesterday. I can still remember it. The first time I realized that time had not stopped just because my world had came when I saw the I was running out of milk for my daughter. A little thing but it was still a shock to me. So much has happened in these 9 weeks. Time has gone on. Life has gone on. I am finally realizing that Joshua isn't coming home to me. I am fighting it. I don't want to accept it. I still have days where I cannot believe it. I just think he is still over there fighting. I still have days where I am mad. Days where I just want to cry. Days where I ask,"why?" I know that this will go on for a while. Sometimes I wish I could just accept it and move on. I know I am moving on but I there are days where I just want to heal. Where the pain is too much. I just want to feel his arms around me again. I see happy couples and I pray that they know how lucky they are, how blessed they are for the time that has been given to them to be together.
I know I am changing. I can feel myself changing. Adapting. I have to, to keep from going crazy. I have to continue on. Josh would want me to and I want to for Kadence, for him and for me. At times I am scared to change. I want to stay the same Jesse that Josh fell in love with. The same "Jesse" that was with Josh. But I know that what has happened is a totally life changing experience and I have to learn to live differently now. I will become a new "Jesse" if you will. I know that Joshua is with me. I can feel him. I know when he smiles at me and there are times when I feel him so close to me.
At times I am horrified that I am already living my life again. That I am starting to come out of the fog and going out and doing things. Sometimes it doesn't seem right. I know I have to live but there are moments where I think I should be sitting in my house in the dark crying in a corner. No one prepares you to become a widow. I didn't know what to expect. I have received a lot of pamphlets and books. I think I will start reading some of them. I am so thankful for those that have been so supportive and have been there for me. I couldn't have made it through this alone. I like to try to with most things but I knew I couldn't do it myself this time.
Joshua, I miss you. I wish there were words to really say how badly I miss you but there aren't. There is a hole inside of me now. A void that won't be filled. After time I know it will be a dull ache but for now it hurts so bad. I love you so much babe. I will never stop loving you. You are stuck with me remember? :) We are a team. And will be an eternal team one day. Thank you for being with me. For not giving up on me. For loving me despite my faults. Thank you for being my companion and for being willing to tackle life's challenges with me. We did good! And we have a beautiful little girl that will remind everyone of you. She is such a light in my life. I see you in her. I know you are patiently (haha) waiting for me. Save me place up there. I will be coming home to you. Take care Josh...I love you so much

.......

I am missing you babe....I feel so alone. I don't know how I am going to do this without you. I just wish you could wrap your arms around me one last time and tell me it is going to be okay.

I love you so much...Joshua Allen...Always and forever