I am losing my mind...

So last time I mentioned that I was happy to meet Michael, his mom and two of his sisters. I forgot to mention, much to my dismay, that I met Michael's father, Jim, also. I am so sorry! This omission was not intentional. I had a great time with the family and they were so wonderful to Kadence and I. Thank you to the Malarsie family for letting us come and visit!

A wonderful weekend...

So last Thursday Kadence and I flew out to California to meet the Airman, Michael Malarsie, that was injured on Jan. 03. Tiffany, Chloe, and Casie all flew in too and we had a great time! We also met Michael's mother and two of his sisters. They were great and I am so glad to have met them. We went to the wharf a couple of times, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, went to the beach, ate out a lot, and had some great visits. It was so nice to go down there and be with all of them. Tiff, Chloe, Kae and I ended up staying a few days later than everyone else. I still wish we were down there! The weather was so warm and sunny! No rain!!!

I know that Joshua would have liked me to go and I felt him so strong. I know he is with me and for that I am thankful. I am in the middle of some life changing decisions so having that extra comfort is nice. Most of you probably know that I am moving to Colorado Springs next month. I finally found a place thanks to a couple of my friends. :) I am really excited about it. I have some other things going on in my life that are exciting and that I hope work out.

Kae loved Cali and I think she was having withdrawals today. Whoof. She was cranky. I also think she is teething and really tired from the trip. She loved playing big sister to Chloe and I think she would have liked us to take her home. We had to learn to be nice and play softly but she was really good to her. I am so glad that I decided to take her along. I wasn't going to but had the strongest impression that I needed too. She is growing so fast! She will 18 months old tomorrow!!! Where does the time go? I am slightly freaking out here.

Well I think that is about it for right now. I am loving my new car. It is pretty fantastic. :) My brother, Sean, is doing great on his mission. I am so proud of him. He is living the missionary dream down there. He was just put in charge of 4 other missionaries besides his new companion. I think he is a bit overwhelmed but he takes everything in stride and goes for it. I miss him but I know he is where he needs to be and that he is doing a wonderful job. The mission president emailed my mom and told her what a great person and missionary my brother is and how thankful they are to have him out there. Made us feel great that Sean is fully embracing this.

I think I have talked enough. I will sign off for now but I wanted to give you an update. Hope you all have a great weekend!

love, jess

...

Hey baby! I just want you to know Joshua Allen Lengstorf that I love you so much. And I miss you. There are not words to describe how I miss you. I keep going on though. I can feel you with me. I can feel you guiding me and pushing me to keep going. I hope I never lose that. I will go on, I promise babe. Just like I promised last May. I think about you all the time. You will always be in my heart.

So I am going down to San Francisco to meet Lassie. I know it will be emotional but I am excited. I am taking Kae down with me. She is going to be a little terror but I think it will be good to have her there. I am hoping to get some sightseeing in and eat some yummy food. :)

Other than that not much else is going on. I have my new car which I love. Yesterday I could feel you riding shotgun. It kinda freaked me out. And the day I got I knew you were there too. It was our dream to have a Cooper together. So I got it for us. I know you like the car too. lol. I just need to come up with a name for it. I have decided it is a girl car.:) So if you have any ideas please let me know.

Well I better keep getting things done. I still haven't packed at all and I leave in 3 hours. Oops. Thank heavens I was an Army wife! I have the training to just get up and go.

I miss you so much Josh. I really just ache for you babe. I am trying so hard to be strong but it is so tough. I love you with all my heart...

your loving wife, jess

Life goes on...

Well it has been 9 weeks since I found out that my husband was not going to be coming to me. I cannot believe how fast this time has gone. It still seems like yesterday. I can still remember it. The first time I realized that time had not stopped just because my world had came when I saw the I was running out of milk for my daughter. A little thing but it was still a shock to me. So much has happened in these 9 weeks. Time has gone on. Life has gone on. I am finally realizing that Joshua isn't coming home to me. I am fighting it. I don't want to accept it. I still have days where I cannot believe it. I just think he is still over there fighting. I still have days where I am mad. Days where I just want to cry. Days where I ask,"why?" I know that this will go on for a while. Sometimes I wish I could just accept it and move on. I know I am moving on but I there are days where I just want to heal. Where the pain is too much. I just want to feel his arms around me again. I see happy couples and I pray that they know how lucky they are, how blessed they are for the time that has been given to them to be together.
I know I am changing. I can feel myself changing. Adapting. I have to, to keep from going crazy. I have to continue on. Josh would want me to and I want to for Kadence, for him and for me. At times I am scared to change. I want to stay the same Jesse that Josh fell in love with. The same "Jesse" that was with Josh. But I know that what has happened is a totally life changing experience and I have to learn to live differently now. I will become a new "Jesse" if you will. I know that Joshua is with me. I can feel him. I know when he smiles at me and there are times when I feel him so close to me.
At times I am horrified that I am already living my life again. That I am starting to come out of the fog and going out and doing things. Sometimes it doesn't seem right. I know I have to live but there are moments where I think I should be sitting in my house in the dark crying in a corner. No one prepares you to become a widow. I didn't know what to expect. I have received a lot of pamphlets and books. I think I will start reading some of them. I am so thankful for those that have been so supportive and have been there for me. I couldn't have made it through this alone. I like to try to with most things but I knew I couldn't do it myself this time.
Joshua, I miss you. I wish there were words to really say how badly I miss you but there aren't. There is a hole inside of me now. A void that won't be filled. After time I know it will be a dull ache but for now it hurts so bad. I love you so much babe. I will never stop loving you. You are stuck with me remember? :) We are a team. And will be an eternal team one day. Thank you for being with me. For not giving up on me. For loving me despite my faults. Thank you for being my companion and for being willing to tackle life's challenges with me. We did good! And we have a beautiful little girl that will remind everyone of you. She is such a light in my life. I see you in her. I know you are patiently (haha) waiting for me. Save me place up there. I will be coming home to you. Take care Josh...I love you so much

.......

I am missing you babe....I feel so alone. I don't know how I am going to do this without you. I just wish you could wrap your arms around me one last time and tell me it is going to be okay.

I love you so much...Joshua Allen...Always and forever

Hey baby

So I just danced with you to our song. I would have rather held you than your picture but I refuse to stop living. I know you were there watching and laughing at me. :) Probably shaking your head like you used to when I did something out of the ordinary. I could almost here you saying, "Babe, you are so weird." I know Josh. I know I am weird. So were you. It is one of the reasons why we loved each other. Life was never boring with the two of us around each other. Laughter was such a huge part of our life together. I still laugh. I still laugh for you. I know what you would say to things and I have to giggle. I can hear you still. Well hon I am going to go but I am thinking of you always. I love you.

Love always, jesse Larraine aka your wife ;)

So Monday was Josh and I's second anniversary. I wanted to write but it was too hard. I felt his loss so keenly. I can't believe he is gone. That I won't hear his voice or hold his hand in the life again. I just want my husband back. I just want to be able to hold him and tell him it is going to be okay. I want him to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. I will never see that smirk that I love so much. He won't be here to tell me how weird I am.
I know there is a reason why he was taken. I know that he has a greater mission to fulfill now. I know that I have a mission to complete too. For some reason we weren't supposed to do it together on Earth but I know that one day I will be reunited with him. That we can continue on together and be a family. I know he walks beside me now. I haven't seen him or felt his touch on my shoulder but I know he is beside me. I felt it strongly when I visited Fort Carson. He was there. I thought it would be so hard to see the other soldiers but it was like coming home. And I realized that that is what I was yearning for. I need the Army. I am an Army wife. And I always be. Iam a hero's wife. And I will try my whole life to live a life that he would be proud of.And to honor the sacrifice that he gave. He truly believed in what he was doing and I know that he would have rather it had been him then one of his guys. I am so proud of the man that I married. I am proud of the man that is my daughter's father. She will always know of him. She will know what a great and wonderful man he was. And she will know how much he loved her. He fought to protect her and keep her safe.
I don't understand why there are young families torn apart. I don't know why I am one of them. I just know that God has a plan. That He doesn't want to hurt us but that He needs each of us. And when He needs one of His children home, He takes them. There is a purpose to all of this. I know and I have faith. I am so grateful for my belief that Earth isn't the end. There is a hereafter. And that there I will see my Joshua again.
Baby, I am coming. I will take a little more time but I am coming to meet you. I miss you so much. Words cannot describe how much I miss you. How much it hurts. How scared I am. And how much I love you. We were THE team. We had so many great times and I have so many wonderful memories. There are times that things happen and I know exactly what you would say or do. And it makes me smile. Because I can almost hear you. I promise to be strong. I promise to keep going on. I will be there for our little girl. I will give 110% to raising her. I just ask that you stay beside me. To help guide me. I need you still babe. I just feel so alone. But I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. At times I can glimpse it. And I know it is you holding that lantern high wanting and waiting for me to follow you out of this despair that I am in. I will always be here for you Joshua. There are some big decisions up ahead for me, I just pray that I make the right ones.So I know it is a bit late. But Happy Anniversary babe. I felt you while walking in the woods. I felt you when I sat and watched the Umpqua flow by and fall over the rocks. I would visit your grave more but the truth is I feel stronger in other places. Like right beside me. I feel that you don't want me to go and sit and mourn. That by living that is the best way to honor you. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to live. I am going to strike out and pray I do the right things. And I know there will be many bumps and I know I will need to leave this comfort zone but I know I have you. And I have God. I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to throw my arms around you and kiss you again. I miss that you don't come up behind me and put your arms around me and lay your chin on my head. I miss that. I miss the water fights, the chasing each other around. The fact that you would hide under the bed just to scare the living daylights out of me. I miss seeing you with Kadence. And rough housing with Jayce. But I can still see it in my mind. And I pray I never lose that. So to you Joshua, I will be starting a new life now. I will be working towards being with you for eternity. I will raise Kadence and I will make a life for us. Please stay close. I know you will. Take care and be good :)

your loving wife, jess