Why?

How does one go on when you have been dealt the most devastating blow of all?

Well I haven't been on here in a while. I thought maybe I should write something but I just don't know what. My life has been shattered and I don't see me picking up the pieces for a while. I am just having to make a new life out of what is left. As you all know my husband, the love of my life was taken from me on January 3, 2010. I can't tell you how I feel exactly. Words cannot tell the loss I feel. The overwhelming hurt, the anger, the loneliness, the sadness, and pain. I miss him so much. It hurts. I just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world even exists. I know I need to keep going because that is what Josh would want and we have a beautiful little girl for me to keep getting up every morning for. I am so glad I have her. I am so sad that she will never know her daddy. She will know he was a true Amerian hero. That he died protecting her but it isn't the same. And it makes me so mad! Why are the good ones always taken? I know that God has a plan for them but I am hurting for my fellow sisters who are now widows and for their children who won't know their daddies.
I got the idea to write on here from one of those dear sisters. She is an inspiration to me. I cannot wait to meet her early next month. I am so sad that she has to go through what I am going through but at the same time I am glad that I am not alone.
I just have to keep breathing. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just have to keep pushing myself. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I know eventually there may be but for now there is only darkness. I don't know how I am going to do this. We had so many plans, so many dreams. And now they are all gone. I just miss him so much!!! I just want to ask why but I know that he was needed for a higher purpose but I don't know what that would be. I needed him. I needed him so much; Kadence needed him. His family. My family. Everyone. The soldiers. His friends. I just want to be with him. I wasn't supposed to be widow so soon. I wasn't supposed to have to face my whole life without my love, my companion, my mate. I am so scared to raise Kadence by myself. I don't know what to do. I can't be a father. I know that there are so many family and friends but I am the parent. The one who is now both dad and mom. The one who has to scare the boys away. The one who has to teach her how to change a tire, how to put things together.
She keeps talking to daddy. More now than she ever has. The other day she said good bye to daddy. I just about lost it. It is like she knows. She talks to him all the time and points at his picture. She is the picture of him and has the personality and attitude to match him. Joshua will live on through her.
I just will never touch him, hold him or hug him again. I have no one's hand to hold. No one to tease and no one to keep me in line. I wish I could tell him that he can have all the tattoos and motorcycles he wants. He can play his computer games and his xbox games. I just want him back. No one can ever give me what I really want. No matter how mad or sad I was that man could make me laugh. No one could do it like him. He knew me better than anyone. He was my rock. And my true love. I just feel so lost. So in limbo. I don't even care anymore. But I have to keep on going. For him. For Kadence. And eventually for me.
Joshua, I miss you baby. I love you so much. No one will ever take your place. The love we had was one of a kind. We were a great team. We had everything. I am so proud of you. I just wish I could have told you one last time. I know you knew I loved you and I know that you loved me. I just wish I could have held you one last time. You were everything to me. I know you are safe now and for that I am thankful. I don't want you to worry too much about me. You made me a stronger and better person. I can do this. You made sure of that. Thank you for everything. Thank you for taking that leap with me and for being my husband. I am so honored to be your wife. I am honored that I was married to such a brave and courageous man. I know you would have been the best daddy. Your daughter was already in love with you. Please help me and guide me with her so that she can grow up to be a wonderful woman. Please don't leave me. I need you. So much. I know you are up there probably trying to corrupt my brother :) but I know you are in good company. I know you are surrounded by those who have gone on before you. I know that you and your fellow soldiers are looking down on us and wanting to comfort your young families. Know that we will make it through. For me now it doesn't feel like it but I will be strong. And I will see you again. I know that I will live with you again. We will be together and be a family. I love you so much baby
love you always, your wife

An Update

Well Christmas came in a flurry of activity. I don't think I have ever been so busy at a Christmastime in my life! I think it is because I was sending packages to Josh and this year we got Kae toys instead of clothes so that was intense. We had a wonderful holiday even though Josh and my brother weren't with us. We did get to talk to Sean (he is in Chile on his mission) and that was great! He is having so much fun down there and loving it. Kadence and I went to my mother-in-law's parent's house for Christmas Eve and had Christmas with her family. We spent Christmas with my mom and then that evening we all loaded up and went to my inlaw's to see my father-in-law's family and hang out. It was great to see everyone. Missed my dad and my Idaho family but you can't be everywhere at once! I am looking forward to next year because then Josh will be back and we will all be together again. I hope everyone had a great Christmastime and we wish you a Happy New Year!

Civil War 2009

The war for the roses. The Civil War game or the game between the Oregon Ducks vs. the Oregon State Beavers was last night. This is huge in both my fam and my in laws. Mom and I hosted a party here and had a few people over. It was great fun. Mom was the only one in Beaver garb. My dad was rooting for the Beavs from Washington. And I was dressed up for the Ducks but found myself rooting for the Beavers. :) It was a great game and a close one. Which made for good watching! The Ducks were able to pull away with a win. So congrats to them!

Happy Birthday Joshua!

Just wanted to give my hubby a shout-out. He is 24 today! I love you babe and I hope you have a good birthday. And I hope you got all your birthday boxes.

love you always, jess

A little funny story. . .

So a little while ago we had T-Bone steak for supper and we gave Jayce one of the bones afterward. Well Kadence being Kadence decided to investigate what he was eating. She loves to take things from him, a habit we are trying desperately to stop. Well she went over and decided it looked good, so she took it from him and started chewing on it herself! We didn't notice until I heard her saying, "mmmmm." So I took it from her and gave it back to the dog. Next thing I know she has it again and is running away from Jayce. lol. So I ended up having to put the poor dog in a room by himself just so he could enjoy his bone. Crazy kid.

Thought I should write an update. . .

Okay well since I last wrote we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Kadence and I have been in Oregon for month! We went to my inlaws for Thanksgiving dinner. Kae met her great-great grandparents and hung out with some of the younger memebers of the family. She had a ball. It was great to meet new family and enjoy that time with them. It helped being around Josh's family with him being gone.
Speaking of Joshua, he is settled in his new area. They are not liking it as well but I think they are just trying to get through this deployment. He gets to call every once in a while and it is so good to hear his voice. His birthday is tomorrow and I am hoping that he can call so we can sing to him. :)
Kadence has a whole top row of teeth coming. Her two front ones have now broken through. She is a little irritable but I think she is doing great. Since we have been here she has gotten taller and is now into even more things. And she does love to explore and check things out. She says a few more words and her versions of them. Recently she began calling me Jess instead of mom. Hoping that changes back soon. I am having to teach her to play with Jayce nicer because she is used to patting him and it is turned into more of a hit lately. Thank heavens he is so good with her! They are so fun to watch.
I am busy getting boxes of to Josh and Sean. It's crazy having two of them out of the country this year! And I am trying to get everything else done. We have been going on regular walks, well we were until I got a cold. Hopefully we will get outside soon. I am hoping for the New Year to come soon because I just feel like that will be another corner rounded in this deployment. We celebrated the half way point about a week and a half ago. So that was nice. It's the little things we look forward to. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and I hope that this Christmas season brings joy to you and your families.

jess