Dear Joshua,

I know you must roll your eyes still because I talk to you everyday. I know I still cry when you told me to laugh. I hope you understand. There will always be that place that aches, that hurts. I have apprehensive about January coming. This month started out with your birthday and then Christmas. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't help but remember last year when the postal workers knew my name and knew where the packages were going. I remember spending Christmas Eve with your mom's family and having such a great time. And the picture we took for you. I remember opening the presents for you that we decided not to send out to you. I remember the best gift I got was to hear your voice. That was one of the last times I ever heard your voice. I still wish that I could hear it one more time. Just to know that you are all right. I know the ornament on the tree with your picture doesn't begin to take your place but I hope you know that you were a part of our holiday this year. I remember how we couldn't wait for the new year to come so that we could be in the "home stretch." A couple of days ago I finally looked through the pictures that were taken at the beginning of the year. The day you flew home, the day we laid you to rest at home. It was like viewing a dream. Part of it for me is still numb. Today I went through a bunch of memorial items and just stared at your picture. Memories flooded my mind. I smiled and yes I teared up. I really wish we had ice here in New Mexico so we could go ice fishing in your honor. I feel so blessed to be able to talk about you, to be able to honor you in my new home. You have a place of honor here, along with your fellow fallen brothers. I know that you are in a better place and that you are looking over all of us. God bless you babe.

love forever, jess

A moment of remembering...

This holiday season is a hard one. A year ago I was sending tons of packages to Afghanistan and I know Michael's family were sending them to him. As January 3rd draws closer and closer I try to remember the wonderful memories I had with Joshua and to honor him and his sacrifice. I still recall the moment when he paused in packing his gear up before his deployment. He got up and looked me in the eyes and said, "Jess, if anything happens to me, I want you to laugh, not cry. And I want a party." I tried not to let him see how this simple sentence affected me. It hit me to the core. I have always been a worrier and he would always tell me to just let it go. Life comes and goes and we just have to go with it. I never understood this concept. Everything to me is so important the minute it is happening but I am beginning to realize that Josh was right. Some things just are not worth the worry or trouble. I have laughed and I have cried. And he got his party. I have laughed through my tears and I have cried through my laughter.

This year hasn't been easy. I know a lot of things have changed and it may seem that I have moved on. In some respects yes I have. But there is that silent ache, that hurt that remains inside. There is that place that cries every day still. Whether the tears fall on my cheeks or on my heart I still cry every day. I have found that it is better for me to accept my grief instead of locking it away. I am healing better I feel if I talk about Joshua, if I continue to recognize his presence in my life than to pretend nothing happened. He made me a better person and for that I will always be grateful. He taught me to open up; to look at life differently. Even though he is not with us here he still continues to teach me.

So this Christmas and with the fast approaching New Year I am going to honor Josh by thinking of those wonderful moments we had. By looking for those little things (and big things) in life that mean so much. I have learned that life can be short and I don't want to miss anything. Kadence is now at an age where she loves to open gifts. I am looking forward to Christmas morning when she will tear that wrapping paper off and exclaim over her gifts. And I know for us there, Michael, Joshua and I it will bring a smile to our faces. And a joy to our hearts. Kadence is the shining light in my life. She reminds me that life is still very important, that there is more to come and I will make sure that she has the opportunity to blossom and to grow. To have experiences. Josh wanted this for her and it is something that Michael and I will make happen.

I have had a wide range of emotions this year, I have been to the lowest depths and I have been so very happy. But this all keeps me in check. I lost one of the most important people in my life. I had to say good-bye much to early. We will be telling Kadence stories of her father and telling her what a true hero he was. She will always grow up with another father. A man that has been so wonderful to us. A man that wants to continue to honor the sacrifice of Joshua and to keep his memory alive in our home. A man that understands that honor and respect. One that was willing to look past a widow's status and to see a someone worth loving. To embrace a small child who lost her father and to love her unconditionally. There are many families around our great nation who are in this same situation. I never thought it would happen to me. I am so blessed that God didn't forget us. That He didn't just take away. That He remembered Kadence and I and wanted to show us His love. I know that Joshua had a greater calling on the other side, it is hard to understand but I know that God needed His best. And I know that God brought Michael to us or us to him. I may be a Malarsie now but I will always be a Lengstorf too.

I know this was long but I needed to write it. I think about Josh every single day and I watch as Michael adjusts to every day life of being completely blind. So please this Christmas take special care to tell those you love that you do love them. Cherish them. There are over 500 families this year who lost a military member to war that will not be spending this holiday season with their loved one. Please keep them in your prayers.

They are asking on December 24, 2010 at 2100 (no matter where you are) if you could go outside and light a candle for our military and for those who gave that ultimate sacrifice.

I hope that you all have a lovely holiday season and that you create wonderful memories.

love, jess