So Monday was Josh and I's second anniversary. I wanted to write but it was too hard. I felt his loss so keenly. I can't believe he is gone. That I won't hear his voice or hold his hand in the life again. I just want my husband back. I just want to be able to hold him and tell him it is going to be okay. I want him to hold me and tell me it is going to be okay. I will never see that smirk that I love so much. He won't be here to tell me how weird I am.
I know there is a reason why he was taken. I know that he has a greater mission to fulfill now. I know that I have a mission to complete too. For some reason we weren't supposed to do it together on Earth but I know that one day I will be reunited with him. That we can continue on together and be a family. I know he walks beside me now. I haven't seen him or felt his touch on my shoulder but I know he is beside me. I felt it strongly when I visited Fort Carson. He was there. I thought it would be so hard to see the other soldiers but it was like coming home. And I realized that that is what I was yearning for. I need the Army. I am an Army wife. And I always be. Iam a hero's wife. And I will try my whole life to live a life that he would be proud of.And to honor the sacrifice that he gave. He truly believed in what he was doing and I know that he would have rather it had been him then one of his guys. I am so proud of the man that I married. I am proud of the man that is my daughter's father. She will always know of him. She will know what a great and wonderful man he was. And she will know how much he loved her. He fought to protect her and keep her safe.
I don't understand why there are young families torn apart. I don't know why I am one of them. I just know that God has a plan. That He doesn't want to hurt us but that He needs each of us. And when He needs one of His children home, He takes them. There is a purpose to all of this. I know and I have faith. I am so grateful for my belief that Earth isn't the end. There is a hereafter. And that there I will see my Joshua again.
Baby, I am coming. I will take a little more time but I am coming to meet you. I miss you so much. Words cannot describe how much I miss you. How much it hurts. How scared I am. And how much I love you. We were THE team. We had so many great times and I have so many wonderful memories. There are times that things happen and I know exactly what you would say or do. And it makes me smile. Because I can almost hear you. I promise to be strong. I promise to keep going on. I will be there for our little girl. I will give 110% to raising her. I just ask that you stay beside me. To help guide me. I need you still babe. I just feel so alone. But I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. At times I can glimpse it. And I know it is you holding that lantern high wanting and waiting for me to follow you out of this despair that I am in. I will always be here for you Joshua. There are some big decisions up ahead for me, I just pray that I make the right ones.So I know it is a bit late. But Happy Anniversary babe. I felt you while walking in the woods. I felt you when I sat and watched the Umpqua flow by and fall over the rocks. I would visit your grave more but the truth is I feel stronger in other places. Like right beside me. I feel that you don't want me to go and sit and mourn. That by living that is the best way to honor you. So that is what I am going to do. I am going to live. I am going to strike out and pray I do the right things. And I know there will be many bumps and I know I will need to leave this comfort zone but I know I have you. And I have God. I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to throw my arms around you and kiss you again. I miss that you don't come up behind me and put your arms around me and lay your chin on my head. I miss that. I miss the water fights, the chasing each other around. The fact that you would hide under the bed just to scare the living daylights out of me. I miss seeing you with Kadence. And rough housing with Jayce. But I can still see it in my mind. And I pray I never lose that. So to you Joshua, I will be starting a new life now. I will be working towards being with you for eternity. I will raise Kadence and I will make a life for us. Please stay close. I know you will. Take care and be good :)
your loving wife, jess
