A time for reflection and love...

   Let me start off by saying, "Happy New Year!" I hope you all had a wonderful 2012 and will have an even better 2013!

   As many of you know January brings highs and lows for us. This is the time of year that Michael and I are a tad melancholy and try to think of ways to cheer each other up. It is also a time for reflection and a time to remember. January 3rd is a couple of days away and is a day that I dread. I normally just want to curl up and pray that the day will go by fast. I cannot believe that it will be 3 years soon and I can still remember it all so clearly. News that no person wants to hear. No news that a wife and mother wants to hear about her husband and the father of her young daughter. I can still feel the shock of it and the instant denial. I can remember the waves of grief and utter loss that pounded against me. I had never felt so lost and adrift. How was I to be a good enough parent to Kadence? How was I supposed to do it all alone? I knew I could but that wasn't my life plan. What about all of our plans? Our dreams? Our life? How could all of that be taken away in such a brief moment? What was I going to tell our daughter? How do you convey to someone how brave and strong and honorable their father was? I still slept with my phone under my pillow for a month afterward. I listened to voice mails. I reread chats we had had. I was haunted by nightmares and sleepless nights. I could see him and I just wanted to be with him. His smile never left me. I felt him and I know Kadence did too.

   He left us with a legacy to carry on. A legacy to keep pushing forward and never give up. He used to always tell me to not worry so much and to take life as it comes. He would tell me that there were always going to be ups and downs. It was how you decided to act that defined you and those moments. This literally got me through at times. We had been building  a stronger foundation and were headed in a very positive direction. I am very thankful for that. I am grateful for the talks we had and that I knew of where he wanted to go with our family, our kids, with our life.

   As some of my friends have said Kadence has an old soul. She understands and comprehends above her age. She knows what happened. At times she could use more tact but she knows. She knows she has a daddy in heaven who is watching over her and loves her so very much. A daddy that was willing to give his all for her and the other children of America. I am thankful that we have an open discussion policy in our house; that she can feel comfortable asking any questions she may have. She is truly a Lengstorf in looks and in personality. I know that she needed to come to this Earth and that we needed her.

   Normally I would wear my pj's all day and hide in corners to wipe my leaking eyes but this year I am making myself get ready and we are going out. Or at least doing something fun. I think it is time that we celebrate the life that he had and the memories and love he left behind. It is time to honor and salute the sacrifice given by all those that gave their lives that day. The fact that the Oregon Ducks will playing in the Fiesta Bowl also helps give him the ultimate toast. I sure hope they can pull off a win!

   January 3rd is a sad and heartbreaking day for many. A day that many wish would have never happened but for our little family it is also a day to thank our Heavenly Father that even though he took one husband and father He spared the life of one man so that he could give us love and hope again. A man that has been forever changed himself but has never given up. One that was willing to take a risk and a chance on a broken woman. The timing did not seem perfect; in fact it was awkward, hard, disturbing and wreaked havoc but in the end two souls had to decide that what was to be needed to be. That leap of faith was one of the hardest things to do. I am grateful for those, who themselves had doubts, who helped us and gave us encouragement.

   Life doesn't come easy. And when you are learning to be blind and learning to be married to one who is blind it is not easy. In fact there are really hard moments. We have had to trust in each other and Michael has had to put an enormous amount of trust in me to be there for him and I am humbled that he does this every single day. He lives his life to honor of his fallen brothers and to reach his greatest potential. He has a family that he hadn't counted on and I am very thankful that he deals with all of our craziness. I know he wishes he could see his children instead of having to trace their faces with his fingers. I know that he wishes he could see the woman he married instead of having to cup her face and imagine what is there. I wish I could adequately describe our life to him. I wish that I could do more and be more but I do what I can. We live with a reminder of January 3rd every single day.

   I am so humbled to have been the wife of SGT Joshua A. Lengstorf and so grateful for the time that we had together. Brief though it was there was a lot there. I will always carry a part of him in my heart and we will always have his daughter to remind us of his spirit. I am thankful for the faith that I believe in and for the Plan of Salvation. I know that everything will work out on the other side and that we can be together again. I know that Kadence will know her dad.

   To be given another chance to have love in my life was more than I could have asked for. I certainly wasn't looking for it. I am humbled to stand by SSgt Michael J. Malarsie as he continues his mission here on earth. He has been such a rock, inspiration and example to me. I know that whatever happens we will make it through. I know that our life experiences have taught us great lessons and have made us stronger. I am grateful that he has taken in a daughter and loves her as his own. I am thankful for the children that we have together and that he has the courage to be a dad in his situation. I am relieved that he is so willing to allow Josh to be in our home. That he has never tried or desired to take away from what was there. He is one of the strongest people I know and I know he will continue to do great things and honor his brothers.

   I hope as you begin your new year that you will keep your loved ones close and let them know of your love for them. Life can be changed in a blink of an eye and we never know what will happen. Hold tight to your faith and give of yourself. This is what we all leave behind. What we do now will define our legacy and our memory. I hope that we can come together to bring peace to the lives that we have and that we can love our neighbors. Before we judge one another let us give hope and kindness. Let this year be one of joyous occasion and heartfelt sincerity. May you all be blessed and receive the goodness that God has.

   Much love,

                    jess